Jan
27

Top 10 Best and Worst TV spinoffs

With news that NBC is developing a Dwight Schrute spinoff from The Office I thought I’d take a look at the best and worst spinoffs of all time.  (Side note: I’m a huge Dwight Schrute fan and am 100% behind this idea.  Still there are many pitfalls along the road to TV spinoff success as the latter list will illustrate.)

Top 10 TV spinoffs (in order of longevity)

1.      The Simpsons (1989–present)

There’s no question this is the most popular spinoff of all time.  The Tracey Ullman Show skit has grown into a TV icon and has been running for over 20 years.  Not bad for some animated shorts on a show that lasted just a few years.  

2.      Knots Landing (1979–1993)

I don’t have much to say about soap operas and I’m not very familiar with Knots Landing but it’s always nice to see the student become the teacher as Knots Landing outlasted its predecessor Dallas by two years.

3.      Frasier (1993–2004)

No one could have guessed that after the wildly popular Cheers (1982–1993) went off the air that one of the pub dwellers could up and move across the country, introduce us to his never before heard of family members and enjoy similar success.  That’s just what we got from Dr. Frasier Crane though (fingers crossed that Dwight K. Schrute can pull off the same trick).

4.      The Jeffersons (1975–1985)

Another spinoff that outlasted its parent was The Jeffersons (searching unsuccessfully for a Movin’ On Up reference).  George Jefferson was a neighbor of Archie Bunker in All in the Family.  The Jeffersons is still the longest running sitcom with a predominantly African American cast.

5.      Family Matters (1989–1998)

Speaking of predominantly African American casts, “Did I do that?”  The Winslow family runs second with a respectable 9 years.  The show spun off of Perfect Strangers and mostly focused on Carl Winslow and his family with a healthy dose of Urkel of course.

6.      The Facts of Life (1979–1988)

Edna Garret leaves the Drummond family on Diff’rent Strokes to go from housekeeper to housemother at a dormitory at Eastland School.  The incomparable Charlotte Rae (Edna) is joined by Blair, Tootie, Natalie and Jo and the life lessons begin.

7.      The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968)

The Andy Griffith Show was one of those contrived spinoffs.  They wanted a show for Andy so they dumped in a cameo on The Danny Thomas Show (previously known as Make Room for Daddy).  Danny Thomas gets pulled over by a small town sheriff and POOF, Mayberry is born.

8.      The Colbert Report (2005-present)

Stephen T. Colbert holds the title as my current favorite TV spinoff.  Technically it’s a spinoff as Colbert previously served as a correspondent on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, the show that still precedes his show.  If you haven’t seen it then you are truly missing out.

9.      Sesame Street (1969–present) The Muppet Show (1976-1981) Jim Henson’s Muppet Babies (1984–1991) Fraggle Rock (1983-1993)

This is somewhat of a life time achievement award for the late great Jim Hensen.  All of those shows were a spinoff of Sam and Friends (1955–1961), Hensen’s first effort in puppeting that brought Kermit the Frog to life.

10.  Saved by the Bell (1989-1993)

Good Morning, Miss Bliss may have been short-lived by its child shape the lives of so many children of my generation.  It’s funny that most of the cast was retained except for Hayley Mills, the headliner and only recognizable name when the show first started.  There is not a person my age who doesn’t know Zack Morris, Lisa Turtle or Screech Powers.  They threw in Kelly Kapowski, Jessie Spano and A.C. Slater and BOOM!  It was a hit.  This is also a good segue to our next list as Saved by the Bell: The College Years was a colossal stinker.  One spinoff too many.

Honorable Mention for top TV spinoffs (as these spinoffs filled hours and hours of my childhood)

Benson (1979–1986) spunoff Soap (1977–1981), Mama’s Family (1983-1990) spunoff The Carol Burnett Show (1967-1978), A Different World (1987–1993) spunoff The Cosby Show (1984–1992), Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987–1994) spunoff Star Trek: The Original Series (1966–1969), Empty Nest (1988-1995) spunoff The Golden Girls (1985–1992), Melrose Place (1992–1999) spunoff Beverly Hills, 90210 (1990–2000) (just admit it, you watched both of them), and last but certainly not least Xena: Warrior Princess (1995-2001) spunoff Hercules: The Legendary Journeys (1995-1999).

 

10 Worst TV spinoffs (in no particular order as they are all bad in their own special way)

The Brady Brides (1981)

Look, who doesn’t love The Brady Bunch?  Greg, Marshall, Alice, Jan, Bobby, we get it.  It was great, but you have to know when to say when.  This was a horrible idea along with The Brady Kids (1972-1974) The Brady Bunch Hour (1977), and The Bradys (1989-1990).

Three’s a Crowd (1984-1985)

Then there’s the runner up in the “don’t know when to say goodbye” category.  Three’s Company was good and I don’t want to speak ill of the dead but John Ritter shouldn’t have just walked away from this, he should have run.  Three’s Company is also one of the many to produce multiple failed spinoffs with The Ropers (1979-1980) attempting to focus on their landlords from across the way.

The Girl from U.N.C.L.E. (1966-1967), Queer Eye for the Straight Girl (2005), Toni’s Boys (1980), Mrs. Columbo (1979)

This is the “anything he/she can do I can do only not nearly as good” category.  The Man from U.N.C.L.E., Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Charlie’s Angels, Columbo beget each of these largely unappealing shows.  Toni’s Boys?  Really?  The titles alone speak to how much thought went into these programs.

Baywatch Nights (1995–1997)

No question the weirdest spinoff of the bunch.  Baywatch was great and normally I wouldn’t complain about anything Angie Harmon does but the detective thing barely fit as it was; throw in vampires and other sci-fi junk and it is no wonder this one failed in a hurry.

Joey (2004–2006)

The only reason this show lasted as long as it did was because everybody was missing their Friends.  This is the most prominent example of when a character is great as part of a collective but doesn’t have the gravitas to carry a show alone.  Same goes for our next three bombs.

Booker (1989-1990)

Richard Grieco became a big star in the late 80’s on 21 Jump Street.  His character Dennis Booker was very popular so you can’t fault Fox for jumping (that’s right I went there) on this one.  Although it started strong with Billy Idol’s “Hot in the City” as the theme song, it was all downhill after that.

Enos (1980–1981)

I know, let’s take a fringe character from The Dukes of Hazzard move him to LA and remind everybody at the beginning of every episode that Daisy Duke will not be appearing on this show.  Good idea, right?  WRONG!

The Art of Being Nick (1987)

I cannot stress this enough, the loveable dumb guy has a role in a story.  However, that is not a lead role.  Nick Moore played Mallory’s artist boyfriend on Family Ties.  This was doomed from the start.  By the way am I the only one who believes that Pawn Stars mechanic Danny Koker is the illegitimate love child of Scott Valentine?

Living Dolls (1989)

In a perfect world Alyssa Milano, Leah Remini, Halle Berry and Vivica A. Fox would all be teenage model friends, but would you really want to watch a show about their lives together?  Me too!  Still don’t know why this Who’s the Boss? spinoff failed.

Joanie Loves Chachi (1982)

Nobody wanted to say goodbye to Happy Days; that is until Joanie loved Chachi.  You can blame jumping the shark (literally) all you want but it was this short-lived spinoff that sent this beloved Gary Marshall Midwest American 1950’s era sitcom to its grave.

 

So be careful what you wish for as your favorite show winds down or your favorite character gets his/her chance at the spotlight.  More often than not it’s nothing like you hoped it would be.

Jan
25

Pinewood Derby Champion

“It’s not about the awards…”

Jan
20

Fedoras Anonymous

Ever since I was a child I’ve kept a dark secret. Motivated by shame I suppressed these urges and impulses and left my true desires unspoken. Those precious few who I’ve shared this secret with have scoffed and mocked me to scorn. I share this with you now in the hopes that there are more out there like me and that we can find comfort in knowing that we are not alone.

I’m Aaron Blaylock and I have a fedora fetish.

There, I’ve said it. I love fedoras. I’m not talking about the sissy little fedoras like Justin Timberlake wears. (Sorry JT you know I love you). I’m talking about the hat worn by a man’s man. Those sported by the likes of Bogart and Ness. Worn by tough guys, private investigators and gangster from days long since passed.

The most iconic fedora was worn by archeologist explorer/adventurer Indiana Jones. I think that’s when I first knew that this was the look for me. What kid didn’t want to grab a bull whip, throw on a leather jacket and go tearing through the jungle searching for lost treasure? Indiana Jones was cool for so many reasons but I submit to you that it was the fedora that put him over the top.

If my fixation were limited to Dr. Jones then I could chalk it up to nostalgia and move on, but it’s more than that. As I grew older and was exposed to classic cinema from the golden age of Hollywood my love for fedoras only deepened. Actors like Jimmy Stewart, Cary Grant (quick, name five guys cooler than Grant…you can’t!) and Gregory Peck (watch The Man in the Grey Flannel Suit, it’s a fedora fiesta) just confirmed what I already knew. Fedoras are awesome.

So how did this fashionable hat drift into obscurity? Simple, we became casual as a society. T-shirt and jeans replace the shirt and tie. We don’t wear a three piece suit to work, its business casual (which usually means a pair of khaki’s and a polo shirt). Despite the best efforts of pop icon Michael Jackson (in the 80’s and 90’s) to add a casual cool look, which could only be pulled off by the King of Pop, the fedora still remained a relic from bygone days.

The day I received my first media credential I told my wife I wanted to get a fedora and stick it in the brim like an old time press pass. She laughed and said it would look ridiculous. I tried to pretend I was only joking but found it hard to hide the sting of her laughter. I dreamed of it becoming my “thing”. ‘Aaron who? Oh you mean the guy with the fedora? Yeah, I’ve seen him. Classy guy.’ If only.

In recent years new hope sprang forth with characters like Don Draper and Agent P on television rock’n a fedora. Matt Damon even took a crack at it with his magic fedora in Adjustment Bureau. With each case I’ve pointed out the debonair looking individual, protested the unfair treatment of the fedora and petitioned to be allowed to just try it. My petitions have been in vain.

And so my quest to resurrect the fedora goes on. Up against the seemingly insurmountable obstacles of an increasingly casual society, a rising apathetic generation and that douche bag Kevin Federline; I fear that the fedora may be gone forever.

Maybe we can form some kind of support group. Fedoras Anonymous. Oooh, and we could wear our fedoras to the meetings! Yes, that’s the ticket.

Jan
18

Tebow needs a hug

With his season coming to an end Tim Tebow is in need of a hug. We’re calling on all you Photoshop wizards to bring us your most creative ways to comfort Tebow from the most interesting people. Use the photo below and have fun.

Click here to submit your photos.

We’ll post the best photos on the site and select one lucky winner to receive a vintage 2 Big Bald Guys bumper sticker. Good luck. And you stay classy backers.

Contest ends Monday January 23, 2012

Jan
18

Smelling What the Rock is Cooking

Here’s a prime example of how Hollywood has the upper hand on the trusting masses.  In 2009 we were treated to the trailer for the new G.I. Joe movie The Rise of Cobra.  At first glance it looked like a childhood dream come true.  “Technically this unit doesn’t exist.”  “And when all else fails, they don’t.”  Dennis Quaid, a favorite of mine, playing General Hawk, Mr. Eko’s playing Heavy Duty and dude who played Darth Maul as Snake Eyes?  Where do I sign up?  Still something about these real American heroes gave me pause.  Why did they need accelerator suits anyway?  Marlon Wayans is a soldier, really?  Instead of rushing to the theaters I decided to wait and I’m glad I did.  Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 33%.  It was called loud and overproduced.  Nice try Hollywood.  You almost got me on that one.  What?  There’s going to be a sequel?  With The Rock?!  I’m in!

G.I. Joe: Retaliation

Release Date: June 29, 2012
Starring: Channing Tatum, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Ray Park, Bruce Willis
Director: Jon M. Chu
Writers: Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick

Besides Channing Tatum, Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow there are precious few that return for this sequel.  Dwayne Johnson headlines as Roadblock with his Mummy Returns co-star, and Billy Zane’s evil twin, Arnold Vosloo debuting as Zartan.

The trailer starts with wide panning shots showing the scale of the production with a voiceover from The Rock.  Good call on both.  We learn that the Joes were betrayed by the President and only a few survived the surprise attack and Snake Eye’s appears to be captured.  Cobra’s flag is draped over the White House and it’s up to the Joes to strike back.  “The world ain’t saving itself.”

I’ll be honest the first few chords of The White Stripes and I nearly wet my pants.  Then they threw in sword play from ropes off a sheer cliff.  Still not satisfied?  They raise the ante again when Bruce Willis makes an appearance as the original Joe Colton.  High cholesterol or not you know Willis is going to bring the heat.

Disappoint-o-meter: 2  This gets a 2 because the only way we’ll be disappointed is if we don’t get enough of the 2 other Big Bald Guys, Willis and Johnson.

 

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Jan
13

Pregnant Girl Pic Poster

I’m going to get right to it this week.

Hey, pregnant girl posting pictures of your belly and/or your baby’s weekly progress, you got a second?  Back away from the mouse as you upload your 50th picture of the week to your Facebook page and take a seat for me please.  Thanks.

OK, listen, I get why we all love Facebook.  It’s a brilliant invention when you think about it.  Human beings, inherently, are all narcissistic on some level.  We love hearing ourselves talk.  We love the attention to be on us.  Facebook enables this like nothing else ever invented.  For a brief moment, we can post something about ourselves and sit back and bask in the triumph of our wit and beauty as people “Like” and comment on what we have to say.

Some of us (and I’m not mentioning names here) even take it a step further and write weekly columns posting them on a site with 2 bald guy caricatures as its main logo.  It’s like when you were a kid and you wanted everyone in the room to stop and look at you while you danced, sang, or did some other act that your parents said you were good at. Of course the reality was you really sucked at it and we all dreaded watching you make an ass out of yourself but because you were young, we let it slide and encouraged you because apparently it’s blasphemy to tell little Billy the truth that he sings like sh*t and he dances like Elaine from Seinfeld.  Think of that living room full of your enabler relatives when you were a kid as your current Facebook friends.  And your status updates and/or pictures as your “hey look at me” moment to all of them.  Only difference is now you’re not a kid.  Now I don’t give a rat’s ass about preserving your self-esteem. Now rather than clap and tell you how great you are while, at the same time, giving your Aunt  Jennie the “holy crap does this kid suck” look when you’re not looking, I’m just going to bypass the secretive glare in Aunt Jennie’s direction and speak directly do you.

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Jan
12

Kerosene Cruise Lines

In the words of The Refreshments, “Everybody knows that the world is full of stupid people”.  How else do you explain pizza prints, Rick Perry and planking?  And that’s just the P’s…from last year.

So why are there so many stupid people?  Excuse me, stupid is offensive, I meant common sense impaired people.  No wait, I meant stupid.  If you find calling stupid, stupid, offensive then you are stupid.  I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean that.  Yes he did.  Really I didn’t.  He did.

We all share blame on this one.  We try to legislate common sense.  We make warning labels and put up signs to protect stupid people.  And what do we get for our trouble?  More stupid people.  Stupid people aren’t getting smarter; they are just living longer and multiplying.

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Jan
11

The Sports Guarantee

“Jason Pierre-Paul guarantees victory for Giants in Green Bay.”

That was the headline I read the other day.  Was I surprised when I read this headline?  Well, let me put it this way, was I surprised when at the end of the movie “Titanic” the boat sank?  Is there anything out there more played out than the useless guarantee from an athlete before a game?  Brent Musburger going to the “Honey Badger” nickname 2,362 times in Monday’s BCS Title game telecast thinks the athlete guarantee is overused.

And you know who I blame for all this?  Joe F’ing Namath.  That’s right.  Joe, buddy, you are the person who started all of this.  We all know the story, right?  3 days before the 1969 Superbowl against the heavily favored Baltimore Colts, Namath guaranteed a win and went out and played the best game of his life leading them to the win.  Well, Joe, I hope that moment is still resonating in your soul because after what you have subsequently subjected the rest of us to with endless amounts of cheap imitations like we see year after year, it’s your ass if I ever encounter you.  You won’t see it coming either, Joe.  You’ll think I’m just another Jets homer wearing a retro jersey looking for an autograph but then as you go to shake my hand, WHAM! Kick to the mid-section followed by a Stone Cold Stunner.

Sure, that might be over-the-top, but it’s nothing compared to the athlete guarantee.  Have you seen an MMA fighter, for example, ever NOT guarantee a win before he fights?  Me either.  And half the time, after that bravado is displayed, he gets his ass beat worse than Warchild (a.k.a. Lupton Pittman) does at Latigo beach at the hands of Bodhi and Utah.  Read the rest of this entry »

Jan
10

Black as ebony, White as snow

The classic and oft told Brothers Grimm story is experiencing a bit of a resonance.  A pair of writers from LOST have brought Snow White to the small screen with a slew of other fairy tale characters in ABC’s Once Upon A Time; and shortly we’ll have two full length feature films with our fair skinned heroine.  The twist, however, is that snow white is not the sole focal point of these tales but it’s the wicked queen that gets top billing, so to speak.

Snow White and the Huntsman

Release Date: June 6, 2012

Starring: Kristen Stewart, Chris Hemsworth, Charlize Theron

Director: Rupert Sanders

Writers: Hossein Amini, Evan Spiliotopoulous, Evan Daughtery

First off, I realize I’ve led with a Charlize Theron flick two weeks in a row.  I assure you this is purely coincidental.

This is a decidedly adult version of the story.  After seeing a man cleaved in two, we first meet an essence sucking boudoir murdering queen (played by Theron).  Next a creepy dementor looking golden sheet wearing mirror tells her that the Twilight girl is destine to surpass her beauty (highly debatable), so she sends Thor into the dark forest to retrieve Snow White’s heart.

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Jan
06

Innuendo Facebook Post Girl

Seeing as this is my inaugural Sit-Down column and it’s due every Friday, I had all week to ponder over who I wanted to sit down this week.  A celebrity, perhaps?  Maybe there’s an athlete is worthy of being called out?  Just as I’m sitting there pondering about who I’m going to write about this week, it hit me.  An epiphany out of nowhere?  Hardly.  All I had to do was something we all do every single day…log into Facebook.  And after logging into Facebook and reading a few status updates, the choice was clear on who was going to be in the chair for my 1st Sit-Down column of 2012.

So, with that said…

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